I am here… to create.
I have always been the creative type. I remember being in my childhood bedroom at 5 years old writing what I thought was a symphony on a napkin. I had just returned from school and a music lesson was taught that day about Mozart and how he composed his first piece of music at 4 years old. In typical Jaclyn fashion, I thought I’m already a year behind according to Mozart’s timeline so, I better get to it! (I came out of the womb like a race horse leaving the gate when a gun goes off. Part of having this kind of natural bent is always feeling like I’m in a race… And one of the byproducts of that is anxiety – something I struggle with regularly that causes stress. Click here for 3 tips on how I personally deal with anxiety). It’s funny what we remember… and I remember so vividly at that age knowing that my purpose was to be a musician, songwriter, and creator of art.
But as the years went on I somehow lost touch with that pure, innocent, creative little girl. Life sometimes gets in the way of our hearts desires… Or our “heart song” as I like to refer to it. I dove into school and extracurricular activities trying to assimilate with my classmates.
I think so many of us do this in our childhoods. We just want to fit in.
But all along, there was always this nagging voice inside me that told me I was very, very different. It wasn’t that I didn’t fit it per say – it was that my innate interests were not in line with my peers. I hid my poetry. I hid my guitar playing. I often, but not always, hid my voice.
I wasn’t mature enough to embrace who I really was… and I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable with the world (or small town in this case) and put my art on display.
So I studied hard to prepare for college. Then, so I thought, I would go to law school – just like my dad. I acutely remember feeling so burdened by what I thought my life would be in the future before it even began. I was anxious. I didn’t sleep well. I was running full speed on a track I didn’t even want to be on – one that felt a bit like a death sentence to my heart.
To medicate myself in these highly structured environments, I would bring colored markers to class so that I could doodle in my notebooks and make each page beautiful. I would buy cheap fabric and art work wherever I could find it to decorate my tiny apartment. I sang at the top of my lungs when my roommates were out of the apartment or when I was in my car alone. I even bought books about drawing in the bargain section at Barnes & Noble so that I could teach myself to sketch in my free time (which was almost non-existent between class, studying, and extra curriculars). I never felt my creative thirst was quenched… I was desperately thirsty for more, but I had no idea where to go from there.
And I allowed my fear to continue to bully and guide me along a path I didn’t want to walk.
But I wasn’t aware enough to know that at 21 years of age. So, I applied to Teach for America, and got in. It was an incredible honor and still is. And I’m so grateful for the experience. But I knew in my spirit that I wasn’t called to be a teacher. Don’t get me wrong, I believe being a teacher is an incredible calling and one so worthy of praise… But I knew it wasn’t my calling. Yet, I still wasn’t ready to pursue my calling.
Are you noticing a pattern here? Kind of like Jonah running from the Nineveh and being swallowed by the whale? I just kept running thinking God would alleviate theses desires, these dreams, that were now such a burden on my heart. – Dreams that go untouched quickly become burdens. – I knew I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do yet, I didn’t understand how to go about doing what I wanted to do.
Sometimes dreams seem so elusive, and murky… Like a diamond in the bottom of a muddy stream. You know they exist. But you don’t know where or how to find them.
So I continued to push my purpose aside and I got a job in the corporate world.
It was okay at first. I like to work hard and I enjoy a challenge. But after the new-ness wore off, that deep nagging inside of me settled in. I knew I wasn’t in line with my purpose, what I was created to do, so depression settled in.
It’s funny how depression shows its face when our heart & mind is not aligned. I think it’s God’s way of telling us we need to make a change…
And we, as humans, don’t usually change until the pain becomes bad enough. And at that point, for me, the pain became unbearable. I was 24 years old and I felt like me like was ending. I felt God so strongly telling me I was not in line with my purpose, that I was crumbling inside – becoming a shell of the person I knew I was meant to be. (Note: the corporate world is a great fit for many people, and I do not want anyone to think that I look negatively on those who work in a corporate environment. I do not. It is just not the right environment for me.)
I got bad enough that I made a change.
It wasn’t easy, but I decided to delve full force, head first, 2000% in to my dream of being a musician, songwriter, and lifelong creative. The path was totally blurry at first, and I’d be lying to you if I told you it wasn’t still at times…
But, I began. And that, my fellow REBELS, is the essential step. BEGIN.
And it’s amazing how God, the Universe, whatever you believe the Force Greater Than Us to be, joins with you when you begin. When you walk toward your purpose, the plan God spoke over your before you came into existence, absolutely miraculous events occur. My story is no exception. And those miraculous events led me exactly where I am today… Writing to you.
So all that to say, in the spirit of Wayne Dyer who said, “Let the world know why you’re here, and do it with passion.” I am here… to create.
It is part of the fabric of my being. It is the way my mind works. Creating is how my soul is fed.
I create because I want to.
I create because I have to.
And I create because it is what I love to do.
I declare proudly and with passion that I love to create and I believe that to be one of my primary purposes here on earth. I want to touch peoples lives through my writing, through my songs, through my voice – through the messages of my heart in the form of art.