(Written October 1, 2015)
Its been raining the last few days. I feel like the weather has been mirroring my inner state – dreary, cold, dark.
Too honest? Then you probably shouldn’t read on.
I have to be authentic. I set out at the beginning of the year to become more and more of who I am – to truly embody the highest version of myself. And to me that means being honest, being authentically who I am as much of the time as I possibly can within the parameters of my level of consciousness (which is limited but expanding).
I feel like I’m at an impasse. Normally, I am so excited and happy about life I could burst, but there are times when I feel downright sad. This is one of those times.
I’m going to use a metaphor to describe what I think is happening. Its as if I’m on some kind of spiritual staircase – the top stair being the ultimate level of consciousness, oneness with the Almighty. I’m not exactly sure where I am on said staircase, but I feel like its time I climb to the next step… as if I’ve done what I needed to do on this level and its time for me to bounce and literally “up my game.”
Every time I have felt like this in the past, I go through this lull in my life. Its as if time slows down and everything around me starts changing – reflecting the shifts that are taking place internally. I guess its like a chiropractic adjustment of the soul. Its uncomfortable in the moment, but it leads to a euphoric state. And this euphoric state that awaits me is the result of new levels of understanding… that make my life make that much more sense, make my journey that much more achievable, my dreams that much more attainable…
But right now I’m still in the lull. I’m feeling stuck. Stagnant. A bit scared. I’m shedding a set of beliefs that no longer fits me… like a dog in the spring shedding its extra layer of fur that no longer serves it. It feels a little frightening, almost as if I’m walking around naked.
Change can be intimidating, but to quote myself (lol) in one of my more recent songs, “There’s nothing so constant as change.” I need to move with it, embrace it, and let it happen. There is no use fighting it, because its a losing battle.
I’m becoming more and more of who I really am – who I have always been… But it can feel a little lonely at times. I want to share more with you, but I don’t know that I’m ready. As I was typing that, I feel like my fingers temporarily froze on the keyboard. I just know that we are all much more alike than we are different, we are all made of the same stardust, so if I am feeling like this, then I know there are others that must be experienceing similar feelings. So to you, I want you to know that you are not alone. We are in this together, even though it may not feel like it right now. <3
I think I better go meditate. 🙂
Cheers to authenticity, honesty, being real!